Hollywood Magic

By Dan Tester

I recently saw IDIOCRACY, the new film (on DVD) from Mike Judge. I liked it, but was kind of disappointed at the same time. It certainly wasn’t the balls out satire that OFFICE SPACE was. IDIOCRACY kind of died during it’s deadly final third. What was that all about? Yeah, I get it. White Trash. Smash stuff up. But let’s end this thing on some sort of creatively inspirational note, why not? But it didn’t. Well, it kinda did, but not as much as OFFICE SPACE did. I still liked it though. Particularly the message…White Trash, Red State, Bush Loving morons, with a dash of unprotected sex, are going to lead to the end of civilization. You know what I am talking about. The kind of morons that would rather sit amongst a toothless legion and watch the Daytona 500 than actually figure out how to determine percentages. The first quarter of IDIOCRACY was particularly brilliant. The middle three quarters, fine stuff. The fourth third was a little lacking. But that final half…well, I think I covered that already.

What has two teeth and 100,000 legs? The crowd at the Daytona 500. (To be fair, my client Scooter Libby told me that one during recess).

FILM NOTE: (SPOILER ALERT- For dumbasses that read reviews before they actually see the movie, and then whine about learning things about the movie before they saw it, you have been warned). One of the funniest things I have seen in a movie in quite some time came during IDIOCRACY. To preface, we get the whole exposition of the white General explaining the sleep deprivation experiment to the military brass. We learn that this General has met a pimp, who has had some sort of life reevaluating effect on the General. The scene plays out with the slide show (funny in itself), but then later….we see our two protagonists preparing for the deep sleep, getting to know each other, and then suddenly that same white General enters the laboratory and says…”What’s up, my niggahs?” I swear, I almost fell off the sofa laughing.

It is interesting, because I waited to see IDIOCRACY until I moved into my new apartment, about a week ago or so. It was going to be a christening of sorts…enjoying a quality film on the first night of solitude. I watched it, and then went to bed. The next day, I was televisickly informed that Anna Nicole Smith was dead.

IDIOCRACY…Anna Nicole Smith dead. It just struck me as an interesting first post on the newest incarnation of the Cinemaspeak website, to discuss the parallels. IDIOCRACY is about dumb human beings. Anna Nicole Smith was a dumb human being, and it has become apparent that millions of dumb human beings actually care about the post-breath-sucking situation of a dumb human being. FOX NEWS has made a 24-hour telethon of this stuff. Is there still a war going on in Iraq, FOX NEWS? Anna Nicole couldn’t have died at a better time for Sean Hannity.

Did anyone watch that trial on TV? Dan Hedaya made a hell of a judge, but not even David Kelley would have allowed Shelley Berman to spout that much crap on BOSTON LEGAL. I have a feeling judgie-poo is angling for his own TV show. It was apparent that not only were the defendants and plaintiffs IDIOCRACY material, but so was the friggin’ judicial system. As a side note, I loved the whole damn thing. It was fine, fine TV. The only way it could have been improved would have been if William Hung had staggered into the courtroom and sang “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” right before Judge Dan Hedaya read his verdict.

But anyway, I let that one go, because it would probably be considered inappropriate. Speaking ill of the dead is not accepted by the American masses, so please, disregard anything I said above. Just start reading right here.

I was thinking about resurrecting the CINEMASPEAK prediction board for the Oscars, which I think is going to be another shameful display where horrible things will happen…like Scorsese finally winning for an average display like THE DEPARTED. If this is the case, they should have just given him the Oscar for BRINGING OUT THE DEAD years ago, and let Paul Greengrass win this year. Was Greengrass even nominated? That movie was amazing. Too amazing for the Oscars, anyway. I have no idea who is nominated this year. I have turned my back completely on Hollywood bullshit. After Scorsese lost for THE AVIATOR a few years ago, I turned to my friends and said “There is no way Scorsese will ever lose if he is ever nominated again. Scorsese could direct a 4-hour epic that simply depicted Robert De Niro sitting on a toilet, occasionally farting, occasionally pooping, all the time alternating between reading scripture and singing Jerry Reed songs, and Scorsese would be a lock for his Oscar.” It will come true this Sunday, for a piece of average poop like THE DEPARTED. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

I am rooting for Jackie Earle Haley for Best Supporting Actor. When I was writing nonsense on the old Cinemaspeak message boards, I used to write “KING’S THINGS”, which was a column written by Larry King with thoughts “off the top of his head” like he used to do in USA TODAY back in the 80s, but this time as if Larry King had lost his mind (oh, he hasn’t? Could’ve fooled me. - Warren). I remember Larry asking “Whatever happened to Jackie Earle Haley? He is long overdue for a big hit!!” I am glad to hear crazy Larry King was right. If I were in the audience come this Sunday, and they were announcing the nominees for Best Supporting Actor, and they read the name of Jackie Earle Haley, I would stand up and start chanting “Let Him Play! Let Him Play! Let Him Play!’ Then, when Norbit won, he would go up and dedicate the award to Mr. Jackie Earle Haley, just like Ving Rhames dedicated his award to Jack Lemmon a number of years ago. That truly was Hollywood magic. I wonder if Jack Lemmon ever got that award from Ving though. I have a feeling Jack’s dedicated trophy is probably a doorstop in the Rhames household. But it was still Hollywood magic. How dare you say otherwise.

So for Sunday, go Paul Greengrass!! It really is the only award I am truly rooting for that night. It is a shame that this is one of the few nominations that UNITED 93 got. Did you ever see BLOODY SUNDAY, another film by Paul Greengrass? I would highly recommend that, as well. He probably should have won Best Director for that, too. I can’t remember what undeserving jerk won that year, though. Oh yeah, I just remembered…it was Opie for A BEAUTIFUL MIND. That was the same year Denzel won Best Actor for TRAINING DAY. That might have been the worst year for Oscar ever. But God bless. It’s called “Hollywood magic,” you cynical bastards.

Well, gotta go submit my DNA for the “Anna Nicole Baby Lottery.” I have to admit, I could use the cash. Much more than Zsa Zsa’s husband, anyway. But I am rooting for Jimmie “Kid Dyn-no-mite” Walker to be the father. Yeah, I know, he has not yet emerged as a contender, but I can dream, can’t I?

Hollywood magic.