“Be Decent People. Be Decent”

By Dan Tester

The title for this blog is lifted from a speech toward the end of the hideous movie The Bonfire of the Vanities. Brian De Palma inexplicably chose to end his adaptation of Tom Wolfe’s edgy novel with a laughable plea of “decency” from Morgan Freeman’s Judge Leonard White, although it is clear that his heartfelt message falls on nothing but the deaf ears of the despicable, corrupt, and immoral folk that populated the film. It was just such a lame “Hollywood” attempt at a happy ending, and in that sense, it was a perfect failure to cap off a perfect failure. I chuckled to myself when this scene unfolded before me, but as I have continued to patronize the local cinemaplex as of late, and the social abuses perpetrated by the “idiot masses” in the audience continues to escalate, I kind of feel a kinship with ol’ Judge Leonard White – screaming to the ignorant about decency. How can you win? We live in an “Idiot Culture”. The content of this blog will doubtlessly appear to consist of “obvious” and “pointless” observations of the movie-going experience, but Goddamn, it just keeps getting worse and worse. Here now are a few key examples of the “Idiot Culture” mentality, and for what it is worth, I will offer some solutions.

1) CHATTY-CATHIES:

Hey you. Yeah, YOU! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I am sure it is the result of the home video age that has brought the level of idiots talking in a movie theater to a fever pitch (I think these culture monkeys are too stupid to realize they are no longer slouching in their living room eating Cheetos and wiping the Cheetos’ residue on their ketchup-stained undershirts – they are in public), but it is time to put a stop to it. I have been known, from time to time, to turn to a chattering idiot behind me and not so subtly ask them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, and it usually works to some degree. I remember my ex-girlfriend would actually get mad at ME for doing that, and she would suggest I try to be a little more diplomatic. Huh? Since when is talking in a movie theater an affront that requires a UN resolution to solve? They are in direct violation of humanity, and must be stopped. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Sure, I put myself in direct danger of retaliation, and for that I just have one request of my fellow audience members. If someone like me has the balls to actually try to shut someone the hell up, please at least have the decency to turn around yourself and add an extra “YEAH!” or clap, or some Goddamn thing. I have been watching you since the opening credits, turning your heads in consternation in the direction of the violator, yet doing nothing, and so I am taking the lead. So a little backup, huh? We must align together to show Mr. Peanut that there is strong solidarity amongst the surrounding troops. Group threats work wonders. Especially against dumbasses.

2) CELL PHONES and PAGERS:

Hey, Mr. Important! Yeah, asshole, YOU. SHUT OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!! God I hate cell phones. I honestly think they are the most damaging and dangerous invention in the new electronic age – especially when you consider the Idiot Culture that co-exists with this age. This is another violation that doesn’t seem to require any “diplomacy” in addressing. It is time for these self-important asshats to taste blood as their ringing cell phones are shoved so far down their throats that even the Kielbasa Queen from “The Howard Stern Show” would gag. And pagers, well pagers seem perfectly designed for easy anal insertion. Or better yet, just grab the pager and beat them to death with it, after firmly securing it to a baseball bat. And if you are a member of Idiot Culture that actually ANSWERS your cell phone during a movie and begins chatting…well, you have to kill yourself. You are not necessary to society. I know suicide can be a daunting endeavor, especially to a hardline member of Idiot Culture, so I will offer you this service: use that cell phone one last time, give me a call and tell me which trailer you live in, and I will promptly pull the van right into your driveway and Kevorkian your ass myself. It is the least I can do. I am an “Idiot Culture” Warrior.

3) BABIES IN R-RATED MOVIES:

Hey Mommy. Yeah, YOU. You have just brought your toddler to see BORAT. You are a bad, bad, bad, bad piece of Idiot Culture parental slime. I know, I know, babysitters are expensive. But you see, you chose to introduce another potatohead into Idiot Culture, and whether you like it or not, along with that disservice comes responsibility and sacrifice. Let me put it another way, you friggin’ idiot. If you can’t afford a babysitter, THEN YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO GO TO THE MOVIES! And what is up with theaters even allowing toddlers into JACKASS: THE MOVIE?? Please, Mommy and Daddy Stupid, corrupt that kid away from the public eye. Please only allow close family members to see what horrible parents you are, because it is distracting in a public place. And please, Mommy. Allow someone to attach a pair of jumper cables to your uterus, and then fire up the engine. It is the only way to truly end Idiot Culture in our lifetime.

4) MIDGETS:

Okay, this one isn’t really fair. It’s just that they distract the hell out of me. Just one midget can ruin my entire movie experience. I just sit there, sweating, trembling in fear that more midget friends will waddle in and form a group, and at some point they will all come back to my seat and start dancing around me, chanting, and poking me with sticks. WILLIE WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY should never be shown to any child under the age of 10. I saw it when I was eight, and thus the result is this very inclusion.

5) FOREIGNERS AND OLD PEOPLE:

God Bless America. It is the only civilized nation in the world where speaking the native tongue is not a required skill to co-exist. If I lived in Germany, and didn’t speak a word of German, I would pretty much be screwed. But in the USA, you are just a beautiful ingredient in the Idiot Culture melting pot I guess. But just one simple request. If you are Chinese, and your grasp of the English language is only slightly better than GW Bush’s, please just stay home and rent a movie. It is so damn easy to do. Please don’t sit behind me at THE GOOD SHEPHERD and constantly ask your boyfriend “What he say? What he say?” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I don’t hate people who can’t speak English. I just hate them in movie theaters. And old people too. If you can’t hear, stay home and crank up the TV, you wrinkled old piece of Idiot Culture. And shut the fuck up, too.

In conclusion, please treat a movie theater as you do your own church. The movie theater is my church, and I implore you to treat it as respectfully as I treat yours. You may say I am stupid, comparing movies to religion, but it works for me. Movies guide me, teach me, give me purpose, and give me enlightenment. All of the same things that Churchies pretend religion does for them. Sure, I guess my religion sometimes depicts graphic sex, dangerous car chases, violent explosions, mutilations, and Tony Danza. But come on. Others choose to find enlightenment in tax-exempt cults featuring pedophile priests, televangelists who use financial contributions to ho their bitches, and extremists who fly airplanes into buildings. So both of our concepts of religion are fairly equally bullshit. And I’m not even going to mention Scientology, because that is just like picking on a retarded kid on the playground. There is no joy in that. Those poor, brainwashed douchebags.

So, in a plea for unity, I suggest that we combine our religious philosophies into one Great One, and slowly but surely chip away at Idiot Culture until there is only one idiot left, and then we can beat him severely. So as the lights go down in the movie theater this weekend, I propose that we all stand as one, with hands on hearts, and recite together the new words of Glory in our beautiful new Church of Mass-Marketed Enlightenment. Everyone together, now…

“In the Name of the Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”