Wisconsin Film Reviews: Part One

By Dan Tester

…so I says to him, I says “Hey der, you seen dat movie SHORTBUS yet?” and he says to me, he says “Heck no, I ain’t been to the picture house in years and what not” so I says to him I says “Well dis picture ain’t in dat movie house, it’s in the picture borrowin’ house down on Milton Avenue, and not even in the prevert section. It is right on the shelf with NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM and what not” and he says to me, he says “Oh gosh, I ain’t even got one of them home picture showin’ machines, I ain’t got no need for it” so I says to him, I says “Well, der, you might be better off, because dat SHORTBUS was kinda weird in a strange way” and he says to me, he says “What’s it about?” and I says to him, I says “Oh, about an hour and a half or so, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Well, dat’s a fine runnin’ time” and I says to him, I says “Yeah, I guess you got a point der and what not, but dat movie was just plain weird I tells ya” and he says to me, he says “What was so weird about dat flicker?” and I says to him, I says “It is mostly just a buncha preverts out der on the coast, touchin’ each other inappropriately and sinnin’ against Jesus and what not” and he says to me, he says “I hear ya, dem movies today sure do like to show dat kind of smut” so I says to him, I says “Hey dere, there is one scene where a fella sucks on his own pener and jizzes right onto his own face.”………………………………………………………..

………so then he says to me, he says “Maggie’s apple pie sure is good today, eh?” and I says to him, I says “You got dat right, and what not” and then he says to me, he says “Dem Packers are gonna win dat Super Bowl this year, yah hey dere” and I says to him, I says “Yeah, I reckon they look pretty good and what not” so he says to me, he says “Yah, Favre is lookin’ better than ever, I suspect” and I says to him, I says “Yah, I reckon he is ready for another run” and then he says to me, he says “Say, do you see any girls touchin’ themselves in dat movie you were just talkin’ about right there?” and so I says to him, I says “Sure do, and she is Chinese or somethin’ too” and he says to me, he says “Boy, I never had a Chinese before” and I says to him, I says “She gets a pener in almost every hole in dat movie too!” and he says to me, he says “Every hole? Ouchadeena!!!!” so I says to him, I says “I reckon” and he says to me, he says “And dat movie is just right there, on the reglar rentin’ shelf and what not?” and I says to him, I says “Sure is” and he says to me, he says “You don’t meet many chicks like dat in these parts, and my Gertrude sure ain’t into dat kind of filthy smut, which is why I love her dearly and what not” and so I says to him, I says ”I guess some girls are just dirty dat way sometimes I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Well, dat is just disgusting, and it makes Jesus angry”………………………..

….so then he says to me, he says “I think we ought go right go down to dat borrowin’ house and get dat movie and take it to the preacher, so he can see what kind of smut is comin’ into our town, and what not” and I says to him, I says, “Dat is a pretty good idea, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Let me use your borrowin’ card, and I will go get dat dirty, horrible flicker and take it home with me to make sure it is safe and what not” and I says to him, I says “Okay, someone really should do sumthin, yah hey dere” and then he says to me, he says “I ain’t gonna watch it or nuthin’, I just want to make sure it is safe, I reckon you reckon my intention” and I says to him, I says ”Yeah, I reckon, since you don’t even have a home picture watchin’ machine in your trailer” and so he says to me, he says “Chinese huh?” and I says to him, I says “Chinese, or some what not”………………..

….so I give him my borrowin’ card, I give, and he says to me, he says “I better take right off now and get dat dere disgusting poop before a youngun’ takes it home by accident and turns all whore-like and what not” and I says to him, I says “I reckon dat is a fine idea” and then he says to me, he says “How much do them home picture showin’ machines cost anyway?” and so I says to him, I says “They are really quite affordable nowadays” and so he says to me, he says “How long is Best Buy open?” and I says to him, I says “I believe right up until 10 pm most days, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “I better hit the road then” and I says to him, I says “But it’s only noon, and you haven’t even finished that slice of Maggie’s fine apple pie” and he says to me, he says “Perversion don’t take a nooner to eat pie, and neither do I, and what not” and so I says to him, I says “You are a fine, fine Christian man, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Have a nice day now” and I says to him, I says “Go fuck yourself” and he says to me, he says “Yah, I hear ya. Go fuck yourself too. Yah hey dere.”…….

All in all, it was another fine, glorious day in Wisconsin.