Holy Shit!!!
By: Dan Tester
I think I am about to list for you my Top Ten Favorite Movies of All Time!!!!!! I have been informed that this is a risky venture. Critical types are well aware that exposing such definitive precision of personal love is utter madness. Warren Curry told me I am crazy to attempt such a feat. Memo Salazar told me that I am “Garbanzo as a Bean” to even consider such honesty in a public place. Gene Shalit told me that I must be insane. Michael Medved told me that not only am I insane, but so is Michael Medved. Byron Allen told me that he will work for food. Richard Roeper told me that Michael Medved is insane. Peter Travers told me that I am foolish to expose myself like this, and that one time he saw Gene Shalit eating a chalupa from Taco Bell without using his hands. Wilford Brimley told me that if I have “dia-a-beetis” he can provide me with testing supplies. John C. Ardussi told me to go for it. Roger Ebert told me that Gene Shalit and Wilford Brimley are insane, and that one time a shirtless Michael Medved threatened him with a broken beer bottle at a bowling alley. And Rex Reed said, and I quote “If it’s really funny, I’ll laugh. I don’t need 40 other people to laugh to remind me that I should be laughing. I mean I, I don’t respond very well to mass hysteria anyway.”
There is nothing that gives the dry heaves to a “movie critic” more than having to lock down a list of their Top Ten Favorite Movies Of All Time. This is because, of course, movie critics are not human beings. They are robots. Movie critics will watch CADDYSHACK and NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION so many times that their critical heads will spin with pleasure, and yet…when it comes time to announce their favorite movies of all time, they will of course list RULES OF THE GAME and THE SEVENTH SEAL and YOJIMBO and BLAH BLAH BLAH because they “have to.“ Those are definitely great films, and you are supposed to say they are great films if you are a “critic” and don‘t want to be shunned at a dinner party. But are they really favorites? Do these critics really watch them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? And then when they are done, do they watch them again…and again??? To be fair, some probably do. But not many, I would surmise, based on my personal experience.
Many years ago, I attended a glamorous Hollywood movie critic dinner party, and I was actually witness to Rex Reed and Bill Harris bitch-slapping each other for about 25 straight minutes in a dispute over their picks for greatest movie of all time. I could never tell whose pick was whose, but I definitely heard YENTL and THE MAIN EVENT bandied back and forth between the sounds of effete palms slapping flocculent cheeks. Dixie Whatley unsuccessfully tried to intervene but only succeeded in spilling her mimosa all over Joel Siegel’s mustache. A panicked and drunken Leonard Maltin ran up to the microwave and screamed, “We’ll be back after these messages!!“ Gene Shalit yanked at his collar and made a strange “Yuuung Yuuung Yuuung” sound in a pathetic attempt to divert all the attention onto himself with the worst Charles Nelson Reilly imitation I have ever seen at a dinner party. Jeffrey Lyons started breathing heavy as he watched the violence unfold and suddenly, and quite frighteningly, threw his Zima bottle against the wall and started screaming “Candy Colored Clown!!!!!“ And as if on cue, a tipsy Gene Siskel, and an even tipsier Roger Ebert, climbed onto the dinner table and started dancing in unison to Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams.” Truman Capote just laughed and laughed and kept saying, “What a lovely night for a murrrrrrrder”. And Peter Bogdanovich grabbed Pauline Kael’s dildo out of her purse and began to spontaneously review the slap fight in an amazingly condescending manner while holding the dildo as if it were a microphone, until an angry Pauline Kael strutted over and hit him in the face with an unopened and partially frozen package of Oscar Mayer bologna. I swear to you, I just stood there and watched this seemingly endless insanity unfold until, finally, Larry King slunk over and began to whip Rex and Bill with his suspenders, while a shirtless Michael Medved shattered a beer bottle in half and tried to stab Rex Reed in the thigh. Boy, I sure do miss those old movie critic dinner parties. Once Ronald Reagan got elected, they just seemed to fade away.
I love movies. I especially love movies that I love. Sometimes I love movies that “critics” love. Sometimes, I love movies that “critics” hate. But almost all of the time, I love movies that I love. So sue me.
Most film critics, from my observation, are full of shit. They are mostly children, seeking attention more from their submissiveness than from their individuality. What happened to real film criticism in this country??? Did it ever “really” exist in the first place? I can tell you, from my sources in Hollywood, that most of the one-liner reviews you read in newspaper print ads are written by “critics” who are so deep into Hollywood back pockets that they actually smell like poop if you meet them in person. Well, okay, they don’t “actually” smell like poop, but they definitely have a scent of taint about them. God help me, nothing guarantees cinema excellence more than a one-liner newspaper print ad rave from Larry King.
Yes. These are my 10 Favorite Movies Of All Time. I put a lot of thought into this list. It wasn’t that hard, to be honest. I just thought about the movies that are my favorites and then I compiled them into a list format. And I will be honest with you…not once while I was compiling this list did I ever take a step back and wonder if anyone would question it. I don’t care if anyone questions it. Quite frankly, SCREW YOU if you don’t like it.
At the outset of my list I just want to say…I have often found it is difficult to truly convey my thoughts and emotions regarding my favorite films within the constricting confines of a single “oh so clever” paragraph. So, in lieu of “oh so clever“ paragraphs, I will instead supply visual evidence for each pick. Feel free to click on the “internet” links next to my picks for my evidence. SO HERE WE GO!!!!
ONE FINAL NOTE: In an grand experiment, I will count my picks down in a “descending” order, instead of the establishment preferred “ascending“. For any readers out there that are not “good“ with big words, or for any regular viewers of the Fox News Channel, this simply means that I will list my picks “backwards-like,“ starting with my Number 10 choice, and then progressing in a “them numbers are gettin‘ smaller“ style, until I eventually arrive at, you guessed it you numbnuts…My Favorite Movie Of All Time!!!!!!!!!
(10) SLAP SHOT (1977)- Those Guys are RETARDS!!!
(9) THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980)- Did You Get Me My Cheese Whiz, Boy?
( 
Blake Edwards’ “10” (1979)- Did You Ever Do It To Ravel’s BOLERO?
(7) LOCAL HERO (1983)- Look to the Sky.
(6) THE KING OF COMEDY (1983)- Pupkin. P-U-P-K-I-N.
(5) THE CANNONBALL RUN (1981)- DUHNNN DUHNNN DUHNNNNNNNN!!!!
(4) Blake Edwards’ S.O.B. (1981)- The only comment I will make here is that there was precious little online visual evidence of the greatness of S.O.B. So what I offer here is the actual opening credits sequence to the film. But please keep in mind, dear reader, that the syrupy sweetness of this opening number is only the candy that juxtaposes the ugly, hideous, horrible, beautiful, hilarious Hollywood vinegar to follow. Nooooo, That’s SPICY, Mrs. Zuckerman!!!
(3) NETWORK(1976)- I’m As Mad As Hell…
(2) BEING THERE (1979)- I Like To Watch…
(1) LOST IN AMERICA (1985)- There was limited online visual evidence for this film as well. So what I will provide you with is the original Siskel and Ebert television review from 1985. Unfortunately, this clip begins with the review a really bad movie from 1985, but at about the 5:00 minute mark, Siskel and Ebert enthusiastically review Albert Brooks’ LOST IN AMERICA. And not only is this “critical” evidence of the greatness of the film, it is also evidence of why it is my favorite movie of all time! A Bird Lives In a ROUND STICK!!!!!
February 4, 2008 at 3:14 am
Damn you, Daniel Tester, for posting an article exactly as I was getting ready to post one myself. Damn you damn you damn you.
However, I enjoyed your list nonetheless, partly, because it’s clearly movies that you are passionate about, and it’s always nice to see people’s passions on display, and partly because I haven’t seen several of these and should seek them out. I noticed almost all your movies fall between 1976-83, and if we add Lost In America that gets bumped to ‘85. I guess those Carter-Reagan years were the days… but I wish you would have provided a little blurb telling us what about those films made you fall in love with them. I’m also curious when you saw all those movies first, just because they’re all from such a specific era (were they all really formative, influential movies or did you watch some of them as an adult, your aesthetic sensibilities already formed?) Enquiring minds want to know…
February 4, 2008 at 8:25 am
I have a sneaky feeling you are being sarcastic here, but all I can say is, I could probably write a book about how I feel about each of these movies…but it is impossible to express it in a paragraph.
February 5, 2008 at 12:56 am
I have never seen Being There, and that should change. I also saw S.O.B. at too young an age to appreciate, or even remember many details.
But I also find it interesting that your fave movies fall in the span Memo noted. Maybe it’s so interesting because I’ll admit a relative ignorance when it comes to ’80’s movies. I really didn’t become a “movie guy” until late in high school, ‘89/’90. In college, aside from trying to keep up with what was in theaters at the time, I went back and watched a ton of ’70s movies, some ’60s flicks, but rarely checked out anything from the ’80s. Hell, I’ve never seen “Back to the Future”! My love of movies didn’t truly bloom until I started studying film in college, which might explain why some accuse me of having film snob tastes. Really, I just started watching foreign movies in hopes of impressing drunk girls at Fitchburg St. College keg parties. As Memo can tell you, it was an ill-conceived strategy.
I could be wrong, but I think I remember having a conversation with Memo where he also mentioned not developing a passion for movies until the latter half of his teen years. It seems like the power of the cinema hit you at a younger age, Dan.
February 6, 2008 at 12:38 am
Yes!
First- I wasn’t being sarcastic. I mean, I was with the first paragraph, but not the second about being curious as to the origin of your love for these movies. And, Warren is right, I also didn’t really get into movies until college, when I got a job at a video store and my world expanded immensely. I have seen Back To The Future (2 words for you, Warren: Crispin Glover) but I haven’t seen, oh, an embarrassing number of “classics” from Caddyshack to Animal House… and several others that I’ve only seen bits of or at parties, without a “proper” screening.
From your list, I have seen Being There, which is a really nice film- “The Blues Brothers” truly is a classic- so brilliant in it’s absurdity, totally standing the test of time. Oh, I guess I’ve seen “King of Comedy” and “Network” as well, which are both wonderful movies, so that’s not bad- 4 / 10.
But it still remains a fascinating list because it’s so unusual- and it’s such idiosyncrasies that make these lists better than a generic “top ten” that includes Casablanca and Citizen Kane…
…Warren, I remember you were a huge hit with the drunken sorority girls…
February 6, 2008 at 8:40 am
I guess all I can say is that I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t love movies. I can’t remember when I saw my first one, but I wish I could. I still remember the excitement I would feel when the “CBS SUNDAY NIGHT MOVIE” opening theme would begin to play on our black and white TV. There were no VCR’s in those days (at least not in my house), and I would actually sit and hold a tape recorder up to the TV, and record the audio of movies, and then listen to them when I was falling asleep at night. BLAZING SADDLES, MURDER BY DEATH, THE PINK PANTHER MOVIES. I still have a lot of those old tapes.
I grew up in the 70s, when it seemed that all movies were good in their own way. I was spoiled. What was it about that decade? I recently watched CAVEMAN on cable (with Ringo Starr) and remembered liking it as a kid. As I watched it again for the first time in decades, I realized it was a pretty awful movie, but that there was just “something” about it that was different than the awful trash that is made these days. Maybe there was just a non-cynicism in the making of “bad” movies in the 70s. Whoever was making those “bad” movies back then was, at the very least, really trying. As opposed to these days, where “trying” seems to be a lost art. Fuck the creativity these days…just follow the 1-2-3 theory of bottom-line filmmaking, hope to make a few bucks, and move on to the next product.
I dunno what to say about my Top Ten list I guess. Some of those movies struck me from the very first viewing. Some, I rewatched later in life and “got it”. Some, like NETWORK and LOCAL HERO, just slowly grew with me as I grew. Every time I watched them, I just noticed little bits and pieces that made me love them more each time.
I have always been a “comedy” guy. I have always just appreciated it more than drama. Believe me, I love a good drama. But I just so appreciate a good comedy. It is harder to pull off, in my opinion.
THE CANNONBALL RUN was the most amazing film I had ever seen when I saw it in 1981. I was 12. I saw it at least 15 times in the theater. There is a nostalgia thing there I guess. Same with THE BLUES BROTHERS. And they both hold up to this day. SLAP SHOT has one of the most sparklingly profane screenplays of all time, but it is all pitch-perfect. Not a single “Fuck” or “Cocksucker” is used cheaply. And Paul Newman gives his very best career performance here. And I HATE HOCKEY!!!! But this movie isn’t really about hockey at it’s core. It is brilliant.
It would be hard to concisely go film by film and explain I guess. My advice would be to rent them and watch them. Because I just like to spread the love.
March 27, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Dear Dan,
It was scotch/rocks, not a mimosa. After that episode, I graduated to tequila shots. No ice. The gesture remains, but the glasses don’t break and puncture wound the face, resulting in large bandages and very tacky television.
It takes a special brand of masochism to do film reviews and set yourself up for public ridicule. I still do it for radio, but ignore feedback and admit to loving Sci Fi. I strongly feel that your next post-90’s list should include “Wedding Crashers” and “Matrix”.
I took my endless TV frustrations and turned to stone sculpture. Now I can bash the **** out of a rock and it won’t hit back.
Keep on bashing. Its so much more fun than taking all of this seriously!
Dixie