By Dan Tester
As we begin 2009, I thought it would be a nice idea to offer some movie rental suggestions. People are always coming up to me and asking, “Tester, can you recommend a movie that I have not seen and will always regret not having seen upon my deathbed?“ Sometimes I am caught off guard and cannot come up with a slam-dunk response to their query on the spot. So I decided to take the time here and recommend five “little seen” gems from my own personal Beta collection that you simply must see before you cease to exist. Some of these titles may be hard to locate at this point, but they are definitely worth any time it takes for you to seek them out. Enjoy!!!!!!
FOR GOD, PRINCE AND FATHERLAND (1979)- This little seen epic psychological thriller from director David Lean stars Sir Laurence Olivier and Bronson Pinchot as innocent pawns involved in the mysterious disappearance of the Prince of Liechtenstein’s favorite pair of dress socks. Sir Laurence is at his absolute best as the failed tollbooth collector caught up in intrigue while on holiday in Europe, and Pinchot is in top form as Mansard, the mysterious and semi-retarded Liechtensteinian with a penchant for lucky guesses. Pinchot’s hysterical accent ALONE is worth the price of a rental, even though it isn‘t even supposed to be funny!!!!! The bizarre scene in which Mr. Olivier is strapped to a gurney, as a long-winded goon (Richard Kiel) dangles a buzzing chainsaw near his crotch while repeatedly asking “Sir, can I adequately assume that IT is secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk involving little or no mishap or error?” as a confused Olivier can only scream “Whaaaaaaaaaa??????” as the chainsaw begins to clip his zipper is one of the most chilling scenes ever committed to celluloid. And of course, TV’s Gordon Jump is priceless as the Prince of Liechtenstein!!! And keep an eye out for Mr. T’s movie debut as “Impatient Black Guy #3” in the classic “Chicken and Waffle House” chase scene!!!
CROSSWALK TO GLORY (1988)- It is an absolute sin that Adrian Zmed was overlooked for a Best Actor nod in 1988 for his portrayal of Lester Stubbins – a man born with no arms and no legs who attempts to become the first of his kind to cross the street all by himself. While most audiences will not remember this film due to bad distribution, I doubt that anyone is unfamiliar with the classic line “I AM NOT A SPEED BUMP!!! I AM A HUMAN PERSON!!!” that the American Film Institute declared as one of the top 20,000 quotes in cinema history!!! However, I suggest you avoid the sequel POSTAGE DUE from 1990- a slapdash and highly inferior attempt to recapture the magic of CROSSWALK, this time with George Takei taking over the role of Stubbins as he attempts to become the first of his kind to retrieve his own mail from the mailbox.
NAUGHT-ZI (1972)- This weird hodgepodge of sentimentality and poop jokes from Writer/Producer/Director/Executive Producer/Editor/Caterer/Executive Executive Producer/Best Boy/Director’s Assistant Jerry Lewis stars Jerry Lewis as Hee-Hee Hitler, the little brother of Adolf Hitler who owns an interpretive dance studio in Prague in 1940. When Hee-Hee learns through the grapevine that his estranged older brother doesn’t like the Jews, he takes his dance troupe on a long road trip to Germany in an attempt to persuade him otherwise. During the road trip all sorts of hilarious misunderstandings ensue and all the members of the troupe, including Hee-Hee himself, learn about themselves. And the ending of the film is explosively subtle, as Hee-Hee performs his 25-minute interpretive dance routine in front of Adolf Hitler titled “HEYYYYYYY HITLAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”, ultimately leaving Adolf in tears and full of regret. Many years later when Jerry Lewis was asked about this film in an exclusive interview with Screw Magazine, Jerry got very emotional and responded…“Perhaps if Hee-Hee had really existed, that ‘Koo-Koo’ war may never have even happened in the first place.” Indeed!!
BITCH (1929)- Judy Garland stars in this classic black and white soaper as Penny Purse, a beautiful girl who everyone thinks is a bitch just because they are all jealous of her huge breasts and they don‘t take the time to get to know her. She is hot and accidentally exposes her left nipple to office manager Clark Gable at the water cooler one morning, but she does not sleep around so an angered and horny Gable tells everyone in the office that he banged her. Penny Purse is painfully shy, so when pool secretary Katherine Hepburn tries to strike up a conversation and gets no reply, she vindictively tells everyone that Penny is a dirty bull dyke and recreates the act of cunnilingus on a hoagie while everyone just laughs and laughs at Penny‘s expense. A young Mickey Rooney plays Mikey, the only one who sees through the emotional shell that Penny has built around herself and becomes her best friend. But when Mikey offers her some marijuana and she declines, he gets pissed off and tells everyone that she gave him a hand job in the Bob’s Big Boy parking lot for free. It is the breaking point for Penny Purse. The final scene, in which a depressed Penny Purse throws herself from the top of the “Hollywood Sign” and lands on a startled and masturbating Jimmy Stewart is both tragic and telling!!! INTERESTING BIT OF TRIVIA: This is the very film that compelled Hollywood to establish “The Hays Code” to monitor and remove “morally inappropriate content” from American films, and the code was firmly in place less than one year later.
TINKER, TAILOR, MAGIC MARKER (1978)- Charles Nelson Reilly plays Nelson Charles Reilly, a man born without a tongue who communicates solely by holding up light blue cards with double entendres handwritten on them in magic marker. When Nelson Charles Reilly is elected President of the United States…hold onto your seats, there is fun ahead!!! The scene with Brett Somers as Margaret Thatcher is a gift from the comedy Gods, especially when Somers holds up a light blue card that reads “BALLS“ and President Reilly starts to yank at his collar and makes that trademark “Yuuuunnnggg Yuuuunnnggg Yuuuunnnggg“ sound while licking his lips and looking directly into the camera!!!! And when Gene Rayburn makes a surprisingly predictable cameo as Russian President Leonid Brezhnev the movie achieves some sort of celluloid Nirvana, especially the scene in which Rayburn’s Brezhnev runs into the Oval Office and begins to beat President Reilly about the head with his six-foot long microphone while Reilly holds up a light blue card that reads “QUEER” and Secretary of State Betty White laughs so hard she coughs up one of Alan Ludden’s long lost belt buckles and Secretary of Commerce Fannie Flagg farts so loudly she makes Secretary of the Interior Richard Dawson purse his lips and remark “That Stinks, Dahling”. And the ending of TINKER, TAILOR MAGIC MARKER is one of the most beautiful ever captured on film. As President Reilly presses the nuclear button and launches the missiles toward Russia, he scribbles onto one of his light blue cards with a magic marker, and the audience is expecting one more hilarious double entendre. But Reilly’s lower lip begins to quiver, and when he holds up the card, it reads…”THIS IS ALL COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE, PEOPLE. CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN TODAY”. Fade to Black, as John Williams’ haunting and Oscar-nominated END theme song plays over the end credits.
January 10, 2009 at 5:23 pm |
you had me going with the first movie, tester, but after that, the ol’ memster wizened up, see? Imagine desecrating the sacred Match Game with such unbridled speculation about the great Charles Nelson Reilly. The Match Game, the most brilliant artifact to come out of that brown-green decade called the 70’s.