Oliver Stone’s “TURDBLOSSOM”

by Dan Tester

I have heard, through the Hollywood grapevine, that Oliver Stone is making a movie about this century’s greatest two-term president, GW Bush. Many are screaming that it is inappropriate. Many say it is “too soon.”  I say…BRING IT ON!!!!  Hey, GW said the same thing to the terrorists, so I can say that to Oliver Stone. Stone has made films about a number of our country’s most dubious presidents, and the films have all been wonderful. He made a film called JFK. It was about a Roman Catholic president who fucked starlets in the White House swimming pool while his wife was out shopping, and then he was shot dead in Texas. Great movie! Then Stone made a film called NIXON. It was about a Quaker president who used the Constitution as if it were unscented toilet paper, and then he shot himself dead. Great movie! It only seems fitting that Stone will now focus on George Walker Bush. It will be about a Christian president who used the Constitution as if it were unscented toilet paper, and then drank too much whiskey while watching a Dolphins’ game one weekend and fell down and bounced his head off of the coffee table while “choking on a pretzel.” Sounds like a great movie to me!!!!

Much has been made about the casting of the film. Josh Brolin as GW? I just can’t see it. But then again, when I first heard that Anthony Hopkins would be playing Richard Nixon, I thought the same thing. How could a Brit play a Dick? It seemed preposterous. But when I saw the film, I realized it was a Shakespearean tragedy and it was beautiful casting. Now we have a Goonie playing Bush. I think it might work. The chick that is playing Laura Bush is unfamiliar to me, so I have no opinion I suppose. According to IMDB, she was in WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, so I tend to like her. Although, I see she was also in SWEPT AWAY with Madonna. Oy. Ellen Burstyn as Barbara Bush??? That is a weird one. Babs has a few too many “Texas Toasts” on her gluteous maximus for Burstyn to pull off that role, but maybe the film will ultimately be nominated for Best Prosthetics come Oscar time. On that note, it is only fitting that James Cromwell has been cast as George Bush, Sr. I can only dream of the scene where Barbara slinks into the bedroom wearing sexy lingerie, her bulbous buttocks flowing out of the thong like the head of warm beer tapped too quickly from a Miller Lite half barrel, and Cromwell mutters “That’ll Do Pig…That’ll Do.” Fade to black, mercifully. I have also heard that Thandie Newton has been cast as Condoleezza Rice? Wha huh? Is Stone just going for the “hot” here? Thandie is hot. Condy is not. Sorry, but Condy should be played by David Letterman in blackface. WHAAAAAA???? That is racist!!!!!!!!! No it’s not. It’s all about the teeth.

But there is a lot more casting to go. Who will play Dick Cheney? Rummy? Wolfie? Rovey? I have a few suggestions. Believe me, I am no Lynn Stalmaster, but I have my own casting opinions. By the way, did you know that Lynn Stalmaster is a man??? Blew my mind. I remember, even as a youth, seeing the name “Lynn Stalmaster” during the opening credits of almost every movie I saw, and I always figured it was a broad. Who knew?

Dick Cheney is a tough one. Who could capture the subtle humanity? To be fair, Willem Dafoe already pretty much did it in AMERICAN DREAMZ, but that movie just sucked. I would not recommend that movie whatsoever. I think the perfect person to play Dick Cheney would be Joy Behar. Why not?  Evil, outspoken, small penis.  Stone could really make a statement here. Donald Rumsfeld? That is easy…Ted Knight from CADDYSHACK. Paul Wolfowitz is a tough one. He is spindly. He is weasly. He licks his comb before he combs his own hair, and then relicks. I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Ba-Ba Booey!!!!!!! Well, Ba-Ba Booey is not spindly I suppose, but I think I saw him eat his own boogers one time on a special Howard Stern VHS from years ago. A perfect Wolfie.

Which brings us to Karl Rove. Who could play this man? Is he Machiavelli? Is he Buffalo Bob Smith? Fuck, is he Clarabelle? Rove definitely has to be played by a guy who has his hand up a puppet’s ass and makes him say funny things. I haven’t seen the Jerry Lewis Telethon lately, so I am not sure who the “hip” puppeteers are nowadays. How about that guy who had his hand up Madame’s ass back in the 70s? Is he even still alive? I could check IMDB, but either way, he doesn’t have ‘box office” written all over him. I know I saw a guy recently that had his hand up a camel’s ass, and they made hilarious jokes and stuff. But I don’t know his name. Isn’t it weird that we never know the name of the puppeteer, only the goofy puppet? Oh wait…I just remembered the name of the guy who had his hand up Madame’s ass. It was Wayland Flowers. But it doesn’t matter now. Oh hell, Karl Rove is just too difficult. I don’t think there is a human on the planet that could perfectly convey his essence, hand up an ass or not. For Karl Rove, I will just cast a character-generated Pol Pot. Maybe “Industrial Light and Magic” can partake in the endeavor, but I doubt it. Jar-Jar was enough.

So anyway, I look forward to the new Oliver Stone film about GW Bush. Quite frankly, I can’t wait. I think it should be called TURDBLOSSOM. It is a title that is resonant of the content, but is also the kind of “wacky” name that might attract the “kids” to the theater, who are considered a major filmgoing demographic. Unless, of course, this war continues on until the release date. Then, these same demographic kids will just be considered casualties.

Holy Shit!!!

By: Dan Tester 

 

I think I am about to list for you my Top Ten Favorite Movies of All Time!!!!!! I have been informed that this is a risky venture. Critical types are well aware that exposing such definitive precision of personal love is utter madness. Warren Curry told me I am crazy to attempt such a feat. Memo Salazar told me that I am “Garbanzo as a Bean” to even consider such honesty in a public place. Gene Shalit told me that I must be insane. Michael Medved told me that not only am I insane, but so is Michael Medved. Byron Allen told me that he will work for food. Richard Roeper told me that Michael Medved is insane. Peter Travers told me that I am foolish to expose myself like this, and that one time he saw Gene Shalit eating a chalupa from Taco Bell without using his hands. Wilford Brimley told me that if I have “dia-a-beetis” he can provide me with testing supplies. John C. Ardussi told me to go for it. Roger Ebert told me that Gene Shalit and Wilford Brimley are insane, and that one time a shirtless Michael Medved threatened him with a broken beer bottle at a bowling alley. And Rex Reed said, and I quote “If it’s really funny, I’ll laugh. I don’t need 40 other people to laugh to remind me that I should be laughing. I mean I, I don’t respond very well to mass hysteria anyway.”

There is nothing that gives the dry heaves to a “movie critic” more than having to lock down a list of their Top Ten Favorite Movies Of All Time. This is because, of course, movie critics are not human beings. They are robots. Movie critics will watch CADDYSHACK and NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION so many times that their critical heads will spin with pleasure, and yet…when it comes time to announce their favorite movies of all time, they will of course list RULES OF THE GAME and THE SEVENTH SEAL and YOJIMBO and BLAH BLAH BLAH because they “have to.“ Those are definitely great films, and you are supposed to say they are great films if you are a “critic” and don‘t want to be shunned at a dinner party.  But are they really favorites? Do these critics really watch them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? And then when they are done, do they watch them again…and again??? To be fair, some probably do. But not many, I would surmise, based on my personal experience.

Many years ago, I attended a glamorous Hollywood movie critic dinner party, and I was actually witness to Rex Reed and Bill Harris bitch-slapping each other for about 25 straight minutes in a dispute over their picks for greatest movie of all time. I could never tell whose pick was whose, but I definitely heard YENTL and THE MAIN EVENT bandied back and forth between the sounds of effete palms slapping flocculent cheeks. Dixie Whatley unsuccessfully tried to intervene but only succeeded in spilling her mimosa all over Joel Siegel’s mustache. A panicked and drunken Leonard Maltin ran up to the microwave and screamed, “We’ll be back after these messages!!“ Gene Shalit yanked at his collar and made a strange “Yuuung Yuuung Yuuung” sound in a pathetic attempt to divert all the attention onto himself with the worst Charles Nelson Reilly imitation I have ever seen at a dinner party. Jeffrey Lyons started breathing heavy as he watched the violence unfold and suddenly, and quite frighteningly, threw his Zima bottle against the wall and started screaming “Candy Colored Clown!!!!!“ And as if on cue, a tipsy Gene Siskel, and an even tipsier Roger Ebert, climbed onto the dinner table and started dancing in unison to Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams.” Truman Capote just laughed and laughed and kept saying, “What a lovely night for a murrrrrrrder”. And Peter Bogdanovich grabbed Pauline Kael’s dildo out of her purse and began to spontaneously review the slap fight in an amazingly condescending manner while holding the dildo as if it were a microphone, until an angry Pauline Kael strutted over and hit him in the face with an unopened and partially frozen package of Oscar Mayer bologna. I swear to you, I just stood there and watched this seemingly endless insanity unfold until, finally, Larry King slunk over and began to whip Rex and Bill with his suspenders, while a shirtless Michael Medved shattered a beer bottle in half and tried to stab Rex Reed in the thigh.  Boy, I sure do miss those old movie critic dinner parties. Once Ronald Reagan got elected, they just seemed to fade away.

I love movies. I especially love movies that I love. Sometimes I love movies that “critics” love. Sometimes, I love movies that “critics” hate. But almost all of the time, I love movies that I love. So sue me.

Most film critics, from my observation, are full of shit. They are mostly children, seeking attention more from their submissiveness than from their individuality. What happened to real film criticism in this country??? Did it ever “really” exist in the first place? I can tell you, from my sources in Hollywood, that most of the one-liner reviews you read in newspaper print ads are written by “critics” who are so deep into Hollywood back pockets that they actually smell like poop if you meet them in person. Well, okay, they don’t “actually” smell like poop, but they definitely have a scent of taint about them. God help me, nothing guarantees cinema excellence more than a one-liner newspaper print ad rave from Larry King.

Yes. These are my 10 Favorite Movies Of  All Time. I put a lot of thought into this list. It wasn’t that hard, to be honest. I just thought about the movies that are my favorites and then I compiled them into a list format. And I will be honest with you…not once while I was compiling this list did I ever take a step back and wonder if anyone would question it. I don’t care if anyone questions it.  Quite frankly, SCREW YOU if you don’t like it.

At the outset of my list I just want to say…I have often found it is difficult to truly convey my thoughts and emotions regarding my favorite films within the constricting confines of a single “oh so clever” paragraph. So, in lieu of  “oh so clever“ paragraphs, I will instead supply visual evidence for each pick. Feel free to click on the “internet” links next to my picks for my evidence. SO HERE WE GO!!!!

ONE FINAL NOTE: In an grand experiment, I will count my picks down in a “descending” order, instead of the establishment preferred “ascending“. For any readers out there that are not “good“ with big words, or for any regular viewers of the Fox News Channel, this simply means that I will list my picks “backwards-like,“ starting with my Number 10 choice, and then progressing in a “them numbers are gettin‘ smaller“ style, until I eventually arrive at, you guessed it you numbnuts…My Favorite Movie Of All Time!!!!!!!!!

(10) SLAP SHOT (1977)- Those Guys are RETARDS!!!

(9) THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980)- Did You Get Me My Cheese Whiz, Boy?

( Blake Edwards’ “10” (1979)- Did You Ever Do It To Ravel’s BOLERO?

(7) LOCAL HERO (1983)- Look to the Sky.

(6) THE KING OF COMEDY (1983)- Pupkin. P-U-P-K-I-N.

(5) THE CANNONBALL RUN (1981)- DUHNNN DUHNNN DUHNNNNNNNN!!!!

(4) Blake Edwards’ S.O.B. (1981)- The only comment I will make here is that there was precious little online visual evidence of the greatness of S.O.B. So what I offer here is the actual opening credits sequence to the film. But please keep in mind, dear reader, that the syrupy sweetness of this opening number is only the candy that juxtaposes the ugly, hideous, horrible, beautiful, hilarious Hollywood vinegar to follow. Nooooo, That’s SPICY, Mrs. Zuckerman!!!

(3) NETWORK(1976)- I’m As Mad As Hell…

(2) BEING THERE (1979)- I Like To Watch…

(1) LOST IN AMERICA (1985)- There was limited online visual evidence for this film as well. So what I will provide you with is the original Siskel and Ebert television review from 1985. Unfortunately, this clip begins with the review a really bad movie from 1985, but at about the 5:00 minute mark, Siskel and Ebert enthusiastically review Albert Brooks’ LOST IN AMERICA. And not only is this “critical” evidence of the greatness of the film, it is also evidence of why it is my favorite movie of all time! A Bird Lives In a ROUND STICK!!!!!

Dan and Byron Allen Present: Oscar Fever in Iraq

by Dan Tester

 

Good Lord, man. I recently realized I have been writing for CINEMASPEAK for nearly six years now. This means that about a year ago, I passed the online requirement to become an official “entertainment journalist.” I am so relieved. I can now, without any reservations, report on the things that are truly important, without the contempt of my show-biz contemporaries who, up to now, have judged me as an unworthy hack. I have been MADE. To be honest, I started feeling the symptoms of “entertainment journalist” worthiness in the last year or so, but only now can I understand them. I remember hearing that Heath Ledger was dead, and I immediately decided that I needed to know all of the sordid details. I remember when I heard that Benazir Bhutto had been assassinated, I instantly wanted to know who she was wearing. When I heard that Brad Renfro was dead, I immediately camped out on his parents’ front lawn to be the very first to ask them about their emotions upon hearing the news of their son‘s tragic death. On the day that Gerald Ford passed away, I asked Betty “On your very worst day, how drunk was ‘drunk‘?” And when I heard that GW Bush was proposing a troop surge in Iraq, I wanted to know who the President sided with in the ROSIE v. TRUMP battle. Yes, these pipes are clean. I am a journalist.

But I am not interested in a 30-second gig on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT every Thursday, nor do I seek a featured anchor role on INSIDE EDITION. No, no. I want a Pulitzur (or however you spell it.) So I decided to take on a true journalistic endeavor. I wanted to do something important. So, at the outset I want to thank Mr. Warren Curry, the owner of CINEMASPEAK, for giving me the funds to promote my dream, and also to promote the website. He knows my passion, and he knows my vision, and he just signed a blank check and said “Tester, when you stop reaching for your dreams, take a swig of Gatorade and reach a bit further.” God bless you, Mr. Curry. You are a mensch. So I decided to travel to Iraq. This is where the buzz is, from what I hear. I have heard from some “liberal” friends that this area of the world is a virtual war zone, but I don’t care. I am an entertainment journalist. I wanted to know what the Iraqi people thought about the Academy Award nominations. And believe me, I am glad I took this mission. It is Pyulitzer worthy (or however that is spelled.)

When I first arrived in Iraq (in an undisclosed location for my safety), I have to be honest, I was shocked. What a mess that Iraq is. I saw homes that would never pass building codes back in the US. Wild cows, sheep and piglets were wandering through restaurants. People were just running around without any shoes on, wearing terribly distasteful attire. A shoeless elderly woman ran past me, and I quickly tried to ask her what she thought about the nominations for Best Supporting Actress, but she just started screaming “Yalllllla Yalllllla Yallllla Yemsheeeeeee” and threw a piglet at me. I realized quite quickly that I would need an interpreter of some sort. I yelled out, “Does anyone here speak English???” and out of nowhere TVs Byron Allen appeared, wearing a chef’s hat and a t-shirt that read “Eat At Raheem’s”. I was astonished to see Byron in Iraq, but as he explained, “A job is a job, no one can beat my ma’mounia, and I just happen to speak the language.” Thank God, I thought. Now we could proceed.

Byron secured a number of Iraqis for quick interviews. The first was Mohammed, a Sunni father of six whose entire family had been massacred by Shiite rebels. I asked him who he predicted to win the award for Best Actor, and he said, without hesitating, “George Clooney for MICHAEL CLAYTON.” I congratulated him on a fine pick, but informed him that Clooney just won an Academy Award two years ago, and that Lady Oscar does not like to pile on wins too quickly for anyone, not even George Clooney. Mohammed seemed a bit confused, and then continued “Fine then, I will go with Daniel Day-Lewis, although he was really not who I would vote for.“ Next was Farah, a lovely twenty-something woman who in her youth had been raped repeatedly by the Republican Guard, was thus banished from her village, and had only recently returned home from an unbearably long distance after hearing Dick Cheney announce that the insurgency was in its last throes, only to discover that her entire family had been killed by insurgents a few days before. I asked her who she thought would win Best Picture, but she only wanted to know, ”Who will Cameron Diaz be wearing to the Red Carpet Festivities?” I told her I simply did not know, and that the red carpet might be canceled if the writer‘s strike is not settled.  She spit on the ground and murmured, “The red carpet is all that keeps me going….but to answer your question, I will go with JUNO.” As I thanked her and started to walk away, she tugged at my bulletproof vest and quietly asked, “How is Britney doing?” I informed her that Ms. Spears was not nominated this year, and Farah just started to laugh and said “Ohhhhh, I know that! I know. I just hope that sweetheart is back on her meds.”

There was sudden mortar fire near our klieg lights, so we had to pack up and move elsewhere. Our next stop was Tikrit, and I was informed that this was the birthplace of Saddam Hussein. I wanted to see the house Saddam grew up in and to ask nearby residents if he was a decent neighbor or if he ever had loud late night parties like Dennis Rodman, but Byron Allen told me we should just get a few quick interviews and get the hell out of there. Although I smelled a scoop, I reluctantly agreed. Our first interview was with Mahmood, who seemed to know what I was going to ask, and just kept screaming “Why no nomination for Joe Wright??? ATONEMENT did NOT direct itself, sir!” I told him I understood his sentiments and asked who he would pick for Best Director in any case. He told me “P.T. Anderson, of course! P.T. should have won for BOOGIE NIGHTS, and HARD EIGHT was a lovely little sleeper, and this will be his recompense”. 

As I wandered the streets of Tikrit, I stumbled upon a small comedy club. Intrigued, I entered. Onstage was popular Iraqi comedian Shiskatop, a prop comic. I was stunned that his entire opening act was a word-for-word recreation of David Letterman’s opening monologue from the 1995 Academy Award ceremonies. The audience just ate it up, but when Shiskatop strolled from one end of the stage to the other, saying “Omarrrrrrrrr…Abduuuuuuuul…Abduuuuuuuul…Omarrrrrrrrr” the audience literally roared with laughter. It occurred to me that, even in this hell-torn foreign land, where imminent death was constantly hanging like a vulture over their heads, the people of Iraq truly had Oscar Fever warming their blood. Hollywood magic.

The next interviewee was a horribly disfigured, nice man named Yusuf. The entire right side of his face had seemingly melted away in a house fire after a sneak attack from insurgents, his entire family had perished, and he looked quite freakish. For my American audience, he looked a bit like the Nazis at the end of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK when they stupidly looked at that Ark, even though Indiana Jones was quite clearly screaming out loud that it was not a good idea for anyone to look at that Ark. I was very mad at Byron for choosing Yusuf for an interview, because he was not “camera friendly”, but I decided that if he gave good audio we could always use cutaways. I asked him who he liked for Best Actress, and he just stared at me for a few moments, and then started screaming “Ratatouille!!! Ratatouille!!!” And then he ran away. As I tried to explain to him that RATATOUILLE was nominated for Best Animated Film, and not for Best Actress, I was suddenly blown off my feet by a huge explosion. I later found out that the word “ratatouille” is Iraqi slang for “Look out, you idiot, there is a missile about to hit your ass.”

So unfortunately, as a result of the explosion, I suffered a severe case of turf toe and had to return home to America before I really got a good report worthy of a Poohlister (I think that is close). But I still feel this is an important document regarding swarthy people and their Oscar picks. I got hurt, so that should at least garner some sort of award consideration. Hell, I’ll even accept a Webby. And if anyone is concerned, Byron Allen is fine, although I am a bit miffed at him. He kind of stole one of my ideas. Next month, his new syndicated show BOWLING WITH THE KURDS is premiering on SPIKE TV. I would ask you to please not watch. It is an absolutely sickening thing when a colleague steals another’s ideas, don’t you think? To be honest, I would expect more from American journalists in this day and age.

Tellin’ The Truth Can Be Dangerous Business

by Dan Tester

 

It has been 20 years now. It is time to come out of the closet.

It is time for me to openly admit a dark secret. This is kind of a momentous occasion for me. It is not easy to reveal such private inner feelings in public, and certainly not on a little-read blog base. I assure you, it is not because I am ashamed, but it is because I know I will be judged. I will immediately be scorned, and disdained, and possibly pitied. But I don’t care any more. I am tired of living in this secrecy, and I will no longer allow ignorance to regulate my lifestyle. So I say it now…I say it loud….I say it proud…I scream it from the hills……

I LOVE ISHTAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still remember the day I first saw the theatrical trailer for ISHTAR. I was at a high school party in a classmate’s house and I was sitting next to Alex, a Mexican exchange student. It was 1987. It was a low point of the party, and the TV was still audible. The ISHTAR ad came on, and I watched. And I was intrigued. So was Alex. I think he was intrigued. I exclaimed “I gotta see that one” and he turned to me and said “Si, Si.”  Just to test him, soon afterward I turned and said “The crockpot is cookin‘ that ham quite nicely Grandma, and a burrito is really just a glorified taco with some added Poop-Poop-de-Doop!!” And Alex turned to me and said…”Si, Si.” Honestly, I am not sure how he was even in our high school. But I sure loved his camaraderie.

I remember about a week later, I went on a date with a nice girl named Anne. Well, it wasn’t really a date I guess. We were at another high school party, and it was kind of a dud, so I asked Anne if she wanted to see ISHTAR. She said “Uhhhhhh…you mean with you?” So we went, and we both loved it. But then, nothing happened between us. I was a geek unable to understand the connections that could be cemented from such a potentially aesthetically physically bonding mutual experience. About a week later, I lied to my best friend Matt, and told him that I hadn’t seen it, and that I really wanted to, so he went to see it with me as well. And Matt liked it too. Somehow, I found a way to see ISHTAR a few more times in the theater.  I just couldn’t get enough. I loved this smart, funny comedy. And I still do.

The plot is not deep. ISHTAR is about two horribly untalented New York singer/songwriters named “Rogers and Clarke” (Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty) who are so bad they can only find a booking in Morocco. So they book it. They are dreamers. Of course, upon arriving to the desert, they become the pawns in a power struggle between the CIA and the evil dictator of the neighboring nation of Ishtar…a situation that can completely destabilize the status quo of the Middle East. You see, these two nincompoops, through a series of misunderstandings, are mistaken as the two “Messengers of God” who have been predestined to stabilize the region, and thus must be stopped at any cost. I will take a step back now and allow you to make your own analogies, 20 years later, to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.  As far as I can tell, neither of those two knuckleheads can carry a tune either.

Speaking of tunes, the songs of “Rogers and Clarke” in this film are brilliant. It is hard to write stupid as smart. But Elaine May and Paul Williams obviously put great time and effort into perfecting the naïve amateurishness of the songs in ISHTAR. It would have been easy to just write dumb songs, and then allow the protagonists to appear as simple fools. But it is something else to write dumb sounding songs that are so perfectly representative of the innocently non-cynical nonsense from untalented creative types out there who think they are writing the next “Bridge Over Troubled Water.“ And ISHTAR allows us to see the birth of these songs, as we watch Rogers and Clarke toiling over their tortured art, struggling to make each word sound just right, resulting in Hoffman castigating Beatty to forget the word “herb,” because there has never been a hit song with the word “herb” in it. May and Williams really capture the inner struggles of a couple of schnooks who have no talent whatsoever but have really put their heart and soul into potential hits such as “The Lawnmower Song,” “I‘m Leaving Some Love In My Will,” and my personal favorite, “Wardrobe of Love“…. “She Said Come Look, There’s A Wardrobe Of Love In My Eyes. Take Your Time, Look Around, And See If There’s Sumthin’ Your Size.”

As I have told people for 20 years (well, those that cared to listen), the true beauty of this film is in the performances. Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty are great trading filmic personas, Charles Grodin is at his dry witted best as a duplicitous CIA agent, and Isabelle Adjani is as cute as she is subversive as the Ishtari freedom fighter who complicates matters for our fearless duo.  Due to time constraints on this review, I will just leave this point at that. I mean, if I really have to push this aspect of the film to convince you…just stop reading and go rent RUSH HOUR 3 immediately, now available nationwide on DVD, Blu-Ray and Betamax. It has a really, really funny Black guy in it, and a hilarious Chinese guy too, and they never understand what each other are saying!!!!!  And there‘s lots of car crashes too! I’ve been told it is “3…3…3 TIMES THE FUNNY AND WHITE PEOPLE WILL LOVE IT!!!!!!!!”

(This has been a paid political advertisement from the CONFORM AND SUBMIT GROUP, a political action committee affiliate of the ELECT RUDOLPH GIULIANI FOR PRESIDENT consortium.)

But back to focus here…

The writing and direction of Elaine May is evidence that ISHTAR is…brace yourselves now… the last great 1970s film. I defy you to watch the first half hour of ISHTAR and not think “70s.” ISHTAR has classic ’70s cinema written all over it. Unfortunately, it was released in the budget-aware apocalypse of the 1980s. 

And on that note, I would like to address a personal message to my dear sweet Elaine May.

Dear Elaine May:

I love you. You made great films in the 1970s - MIKEY AND NICKY, THE HEARTBREAK KID, A NEW LEAF and HEAVEN CAN WAIT (oh I am sorry, Elaine, you only “co-wrote“ that one…my mistake). An impressive list amongst your contemporaries of the great 1970s. But in an unfortunate set of timing, you were a “female” directing a major film in the soul-sucking decade of the 1980s. Had you been a man, you would have survived, as did your male contemporaries of the ’70s who had similar “profit margin” diversions in the 80s - Scorsese had THE KING OF COMEDY and AFTER HOURS. Coppola had THE COTTON CLUB and ONE FROM THE HEART. Georgie Lucas had some nonsense about a DUCK. But I still love you, Elaine May. You should have gotten the second and third chances these fellows got. Because you are wonderful.

Love, Dan

A lot of hoo-hah was made about the budget of ISHTAR, long before the film even graced the screen. I remember as a youth reading stories about how horrible ISHTAR was, months before it ever even premiered. I will be proud to go on record here and say…brace yourselves…that the authenticity the budget allowed for makes ISHTAR that much better. The wide shots of the Moroccan desert, as Rogers and Clarke try to negotiate their blind camel to safety are not only beautiful, but they accentuate the import and reality of their dilemma. I guess you could have shot this film on a Hollywood soundstage, utilizing cardboard cacti and Gilligan’s Island lagoon sand, but ISHTAR wouldn’t have been as good. The location shooting was vital for the import of the tale to work, particularly in reference to the classic “desert gunrunner” sequence. I dare you not to laugh during this scene.

And if we are really talking about budget ramifications here, then Kevin Costner should have been executed for THE POSTMAN. Kevin Costner should have been hung by his neck until he was dead for THE POSTMAN, if we are really talking about the penalties of financial deficits and creative self-indulgence. If Elaine May was blackballed in Hollywood for ISHTAR in the mid-1980s, then I am sorry, Kevin Costner should have been put out of our misery in the late 1990s. And this scenario only works if we all assume that Costner actually survived the firing squad he faced for WATERWORLD. But Costner is still going strong, ain’t “he”? Where is my beloved Elaine May????? Unfortunately, “she” is gone.

In conclusion, I will leave you with this…

If you watch ISHTAR, and hate it, then all I will say is…thanks for taking the chance.

If you watch ISHTAR, and like it…please send an email. I would love to correspond.

If you haven’t watched ISHTAR, and still say it sucks…GO FUCK YOURSELF. (Twice)

At the bottom of this article will be a link to a great ISHTAR fan website. Please do an old white boy a favor…click the link below, and when the page appears, click on the “Watch The Trailer“ option. It is the original promotional trailer that I saw on TV that day in 1987 while I was sitting on a sofa next to a Mexican exchange student at a high school party, and I was hooked. I mean, come on. It’s Dusty Hoffman!! And Warren Beatty!! And Chuck Grodin in his prime!!! And…and….well, either check it out or don’t.  There is nothing more I can do.

http://www.ishtarthemovie.com/

ISHTAR is also available for your Netflix queuing, by the way…right here!!!!

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Ishtar/60035967?trkid=189530&strkid=1775528404_0_0

In the immortal words of Rogers and Clarke - “Life is the way we audition for God. Let us pray that we all get the job.”

Would You Invite This Man To Your Dinner Party?

By Dan Tester

If you are a fan of the movies, over the course of your lifetime you see many films with great actors, great directors, great screenplays, great editing, great cinematography, and great music. And when you get done watching them, you say to your inner Ebert…”That was a great movie.” And then your instincts are reinforced when that same movie is showered with all sorts of bullshit industry awards. And then you feel like you are in tune to popular culture. But then, well, sadly sometimes those movies kind of fade away in your mind. You remember they were “great”, but Goddamn it, you just can’t remember why. And then sometime in the future, when these same films are referenced at a dinner party, you kind of want to be a part of the crowd, so you say “Yeah, that WAS a great movie!” even though you don’t really remember a thing about it. It is just status quo. It is just being a dumb human being. We can all relate.

But the REALLY great movies are the ones that stick with you through your life, pop into your mind at the most random of times, and make you feel happy when you are feeling low. Everyone knows CASABLANCA was a great movie. And GOODFELLAS. And THE GODFATHER. If you don’t want to be shunned at a dinner party, you pretty damn well better admit that those are great movies. And they are. But what about CADDYSHACK? I know, I know, the first three films that I just listed get their fair share of references in mixed company…but I would bet you could match up all three together, over the course of a year of dinner party conversations, and even that trifecta couldn’t match the amount of times CADDYSHACK is referenced. CADDYSHACK is a perfect movie. CADDYSHACK will never appear on any critic’s list of Best Films Of All Time, but I bet it will appear on 90% of those same critics’ NetFlix rental lists. CADDYSHACK is as great a comedy as CASABLANCA was a wartime romance, or GOODFELLAS was a gangster epic, or THE GODFATHER was…well, a gangster epic.

You see, some movies…I dunno…some movies just hit you on some kind of unregisterable aesthetic level. They just move you. Movies can move you in many ways. They can move you to tears, move you to laughter, move you to greater insight…but they move you. They haunt you. They vitalize you. They revitalize you. They make you happy to be alive long enough to watch them again. A lot of times these are movies that don’t get a lot of “critical attention.” Sometimes these are movies that DO get a lot of “critical attention” at the time of their release, but then are rarely discussed in later years. But they are still movies that, over time, just stick with you. And you are as happy to see them again as you are an old buddy that you haven’t seen for years. And while they are not necessarily movies that your friends regularly discuss at dinner parties, they are movies you love to recommend to your friends. Because, in their own way, they are perfect.

And now, following that long-winded introduction, these are 10 movies like that for me (alphabetically, to ease in your Netflix queueing, or whatever that crap’s called):

1) BROADCAST NEWS (1987; Dir. James L. Brooks) - I think BROADCAST NEWS just might be the most perfectly written screenplay ever. Funny, sad, and, most importantly, real. Albert got robbed of the Best Supporting Actor award that year. Albert was amazing as the neurotic second-banana, but Sean Connery won that year…because…he…was old.

2) JIMINY GLICK IN LA-LA WOOD (2004; Dir. Vadim Jean) - An offbeat pick for sure, but a film that, for all of its own intents and purposes, is perfect in my opinion. Martin Short in a fat suit as Jiminy Glick, small town American film critic at the Toronto Film Festival, caught up in a David Lynchian murder mystery. Not for all tastes for sure, but it is worth a viewing just for Jan Hooks as Jiminy’s bizarre wife, Dixie. The scene in which she, in mixed company, begins describing the difficulties of enjoyable sex in the wake of birthing 3 obese boys, and Jiminy’s subsequent lecture about the importance of “creating a mystique” just kills me every time.

3) L.A. STORY (1991; Dir. Mick Jackson) - Steve Martin’s ode to true old-fashioned romance amid the eccentricities and bullshit of Los Angeles life was a real eye-opener for me. Every whimsical chance it takes works, and every biting satirical jab hits its mark. Quite a difficult combo to pull off…but it does.

4) LOCAL HERO (1983; Dir. Bill Forsyth) - Now that I think about it, LOCAL HERO would probably be a great double-feature with the aforementioned L.A. STORY. It is another film that takes great chances with cynical whimsy, and as a result, it is a movie I pop into the DVD player whenever I am feeling low, and two hours later, feel much, much better. Movies as Prozac?

5) THE LONG GOODBYE (1973; Dir. Robert Altman) - Altman’s criminally overlooked updating of 1940’s detective noir to a 1970’s state of mind is amazing. Elliott Gould has never been better as the burned-out dick, shuffling his way through a mystery. Even diehard Altman fans I talk to have never seen it. Please do.

6) PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES (1989; Dir. John Hughes) - How did John Candy not get an Academy Award nomination for this film? Oh yeah…he is a comedian. Steve Martin is great here as well. Just like MIDNIGHT RUN a few years before, PLANES takes a rather hackneyed concept and makes the cliché completely unrecognizable with originality, layered performances, humor and most importantly…heart. And that ending is one of my favorites of all time.

7) POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE (1990; Dir. Mike Nichols) - Great movie, great performances, and a particularly entertaining bit of directing from Mike Nichols, as he juxtaposes real life with the artificial backgrounds of a Hollywood soundstage. And how was Shirley Maclaine not nominated for this one? Gene Hackman is great too.

PSYCHO II (1983; Dir. Richard Franklin) - I love this movie for one particular reason - it is a sequel with an actual purpose. While drawing on its Hitchcockian roots, the screenplay creates its own mysteries, leaving the viewer unsure of what is actually going on until the very end. And what an ending it is! It is really so much better than it probably should have been. And Anthony Perkins is just so cool.

9) THE STRAIGHT STORY (1999; Dir. David Lynch) - A jaw-dropping G-rated piece of subtle brilliance from the over the top director of BLUE VELVET. It is a simple story really - an old man wants to visit his dying brother in the next state, but is no longer allowed to drive an automobile, so he jumps on his rider lawnmower and begins the slow journey. But what a journey it is. Richard Farnsworth is remarkable in this film.

10) TIN MEN (1987; Dir. Barry Levinson) - It is 1963. There is a traffic accident. The two drivers dispute guilt. And thus, the methodical games of revenge begin. Sounds like a suspense film, I suppose, but TIN MEN is a hilarious and touching piece of nostalgia. Richard Dreyfuss and Danny De Vito shine here as competing aluminum siding salesmen trying to one-up each other, and Barbara Hershey is as luscious as ever as the ultimate prize - but is she first prize, or just a consolation? And what puts this film over the top is the subplot of the Congressional investigations into the Aluminum Siding industry’s “Tin Man” scams that can send both men to the clink. And, of course, there are the hilarious table talk discussions between the various groups of Tin Men in the diner (a sort of Levinson trademark), most notably crusty old Jackie Gayle’s theorizing that the T.V. show “Bonanza” is not based in realism, because Hoss never talks about getting laid. This is Barry Levinson’s best film.

Wisconsin Film Reviews: Part One

By Dan Tester

…so I says to him, I says “Hey der, you seen dat movie SHORTBUS yet?” and he says to me, he says “Heck no, I ain’t been to the picture house in years and what not” so I says to him I says “Well dis picture ain’t in dat movie house, it’s in the picture borrowin’ house down on Milton Avenue, and not even in the prevert section. It is right on the shelf with NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM and what not” and he says to me, he says “Oh gosh, I ain’t even got one of them home picture showin’ machines, I ain’t got no need for it” so I says to him, I says “Well, der, you might be better off, because dat SHORTBUS was kinda weird in a strange way” and he says to me, he says “What’s it about?” and I says to him, I says “Oh, about an hour and a half or so, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Well, dat’s a fine runnin’ time” and I says to him, I says “Yeah, I guess you got a point der and what not, but dat movie was just plain weird I tells ya” and he says to me, he says “What was so weird about dat flicker?” and I says to him, I says “It is mostly just a buncha preverts out der on the coast, touchin’ each other inappropriately and sinnin’ against Jesus and what not” and he says to me, he says “I hear ya, dem movies today sure do like to show dat kind of smut” so I says to him, I says “Hey dere, there is one scene where a fella sucks on his own pener and jizzes right onto his own face.”………………………………………………………..

………so then he says to me, he says “Maggie’s apple pie sure is good today, eh?” and I says to him, I says “You got dat right, and what not” and then he says to me, he says “Dem Packers are gonna win dat Super Bowl this year, yah hey dere” and I says to him, I says “Yeah, I reckon they look pretty good and what not” so he says to me, he says “Yah, Favre is lookin’ better than ever, I suspect” and I says to him, I says “Yah, I reckon he is ready for another run” and then he says to me, he says “Say, do you see any girls touchin’ themselves in dat movie you were just talkin’ about right there?” and so I says to him, I says “Sure do, and she is Chinese or somethin’ too” and he says to me, he says “Boy, I never had a Chinese before” and I says to him, I says “She gets a pener in almost every hole in dat movie too!” and he says to me, he says “Every hole? Ouchadeena!!!!” so I says to him, I says “I reckon” and he says to me, he says “And dat movie is just right there, on the reglar rentin’ shelf and what not?” and I says to him, I says “Sure is” and he says to me, he says “You don’t meet many chicks like dat in these parts, and my Gertrude sure ain’t into dat kind of filthy smut, which is why I love her dearly and what not” and so I says to him, I says ”I guess some girls are just dirty dat way sometimes I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Well, dat is just disgusting, and it makes Jesus angry”………………………..

….so then he says to me, he says “I think we ought go right go down to dat borrowin’ house and get dat movie and take it to the preacher, so he can see what kind of smut is comin’ into our town, and what not” and I says to him, I says, “Dat is a pretty good idea, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Let me use your borrowin’ card, and I will go get dat dirty, horrible flicker and take it home with me to make sure it is safe and what not” and I says to him, I says “Okay, someone really should do sumthin, yah hey dere” and then he says to me, he says “I ain’t gonna watch it or nuthin’, I just want to make sure it is safe, I reckon you reckon my intention” and I says to him, I says ”Yeah, I reckon, since you don’t even have a home picture watchin’ machine in your trailer” and so he says to me, he says “Chinese huh?” and I says to him, I says “Chinese, or some what not”………………..

….so I give him my borrowin’ card, I give, and he says to me, he says “I better take right off now and get dat dere disgusting poop before a youngun’ takes it home by accident and turns all whore-like and what not” and I says to him, I says “I reckon dat is a fine idea” and then he says to me, he says “How much do them home picture showin’ machines cost anyway?” and so I says to him, I says “They are really quite affordable nowadays” and so he says to me, he says “How long is Best Buy open?” and I says to him, I says “I believe right up until 10 pm most days, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “I better hit the road then” and I says to him, I says “But it’s only noon, and you haven’t even finished that slice of Maggie’s fine apple pie” and he says to me, he says “Perversion don’t take a nooner to eat pie, and neither do I, and what not” and so I says to him, I says “You are a fine, fine Christian man, I reckon” and he says to me, he says “Have a nice day now” and I says to him, I says “Go fuck yourself” and he says to me, he says “Yah, I hear ya. Go fuck yourself too. Yah hey dere.”…….

All in all, it was another fine, glorious day in Wisconsin.

The First Annual Testie Awards

By Dan Tester

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my new Awards show that I have named after myself…The Testie Awards. I noticed that nowadays any jerkoff can create his own award show, and Idiot Culture will watch the red carpet with fascination, pretend import, and Cheeto stains on their undershirts, so I figured I would join the club. About two months ago, I finally got high-speed internet, and have found myself spending way too much time on YOUTUBE. So I decided to award my favorite YOUTUBE clips with Testie Awards, 10 of them to be exact. So I will now share them with you, counting them down from…you got it…the number 10 clip to the number 1 clip. That is the format I have chosen for the Testie Awards. It is patented. Don’t even try to steal it, you bastards. You may agree or disagree with my choices. Some you may like, some you may hate, but come on…you at least have to give me credit for one thing. It takes a lot of balls to self-dedicate an Awards Show called The Testies.

So, without further ado, let’s begin. Before we start the official countdown, what awards show would be complete without a fantastic opening musical performance? Is it possible the Testies could dangle with uncertainty as an opening appears before it? Nope, certainly not the Testies! And so, ladies and gentleman, direct from Los Angeles Public Access Television…THE ONE…THE ONLY……..THE ONLY…..Francine Dancer, right heyaaaaaaaa!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-Po_R0×67g

Thank you, Francine. I may never eat solid food again. Especially not marshmallows. And now, before the major awards are presented, a word from our sponsors.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4jw_fDOgXM&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsxcdVbE3mI

Welcome back to The Testie Awards, the only time of year when women are actually clamoring to get their hands on my Testies. And now the countdown of my favorite videos on YOUTUBE.

TESTIE AWARD #10 - This is one of my very favorite things of all time. Ever. To this day, if I am conversing with mixed company, and I say something to offend and get yelled at, I raise the pitch of my voice, assume a slight lisp, and scream “If you have a problem, turn off your thtation!!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGYbid9fucE

TESTIE AWARD #9 - I think JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE is by far the best late night talk show on television these days. While that might not be setting the bar very high, I really do think it is very funny. Particularly the first half hour. And every Friday, Kimmel presents a feature in which he helps out the FCC by censoring television moments whether they need it or not. Here is a “Best Of” compilation that gives you an idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc6w4SzIUN0&mode=related&search=

TESTIE AWARD #8 - I love Chris Elliott. Back in the mid-90s, Chris would appear on “The Late Show with David Letterman” on a semi-regular basis, and present his own homemade short films. This one is my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INTPq_zLMDQ

We will return to the 1st Annual Testie Awards following a few words from our sponsors…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTSdUOC8Kac

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GXerZ0i1BQ

Welcome back, folks! Let the countdown continue to incrimentally, continually, count down!!!

TESTIE AWARD #7 - My friend Matt Selck first introduced me to CHAD VADER: DAY SHIFT MANAGER, and I am glad he did. At this point, there are 7 episodes available on YOUTUBE. I would highly recommend them all. But this is Part One.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0

TESTIE AWARD #6 - What can I say? As Brian Dennehy exclaimed in SILVERADO…”Well look at this. Two of my favorite people in the world, just talkin’ to each other.” The second part of this interview is also available on the YOUTUBE page.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPlLNn9pgeE

TESTIE AWARD #5 - I remember back in the mid-1980s, I saw this music video on MTV and thought it was the coolest thing. And then it just kind of disappeared. I began to wonder if I had really ever seen it to begin with. Twenty years later I have rediscovered it, and I still think it is my favorite music video ever. Great song. Directed by Paul Schrader. Starring some guy named Robert Allen Zimmerman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P79EMaKnNw

And now, a little “mid-show” special feature. I am a huge fan of THE SOPRANOS, and as any diehard fan knows, the series will be wrapping up in a few weeks. I can’t believe it, but someone posted the very final scene of the final episode of THE SOPRANOS on YOUTUBE, and I just couldn’t help myself. I had to watch it. I hated myself for it, because now all the mystery is gone. But I just could not resist. I hate temptation. So I guess I will just provide the link here, just to see if temptation gets the best of you as well. I have no idea how long this will be allowed to legally remain for public consumption, so you better be quick! Either way, you have been WARNED!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKTR8Yj5hg4

And now, back to the countdown!!

TESTIE AWARD #4 - SCTV is one of my all-time favorite TV shows, and the recurring sketch “The Sammy Maudlin Show” was my favorite bit. A dead-on satire of hideous celebrity pandering bullshit. This sketch is populated with some of the funniest people in the world, but I will be damned if Andrea Martin isn’t the funniest one here without even saying a word.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNMCijBJ02I

TESTIE AWARD #3 - My very favorite TV show of all time is THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW. My very favorite TV character of all time is Hank Kingsley. Here is one of Hank’s greatest moments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEPu6tUDW0k

TESTIE AWARD #2 - I am slightly ashamed to admit I had never even HEARD of this movie until I stumbled upon the trailer on YOUTUBE. But I am not ashamed at all to admit that it immediately shot right to the top of my personal Must See list!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukjH3FSYdjE

Well, we’re getting right down to it. Only one Testie left. Kind of like the guy who slid down the tree and hit the nail. The Number One Pick is coming up…right after a few more words from our sponsors.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhEqGsVREe0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yv03Be4iayg

And now without further ado, the Winner of the First Annual Testie Awards!!!!!!

TESTIE AWARD #1 - I don’t know who the crazy genius is that created this thing, but I could watch it a thousand times and never get tired of it. He made his own “modern day action” trailer for the Blake Edwards classic THE PINK PANTHER STRIKES AGAIN, complete with James Bond theme. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to Clouseau. Jacques Clouseau.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nrvhk0a9E

Well, I hope you enjoyed the First Annual Testie Awards! I apologize for running a little long. Next time, no dancing fat chicks! Something like that always has a negative effect on the Testies.

Roll End Credits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvHTeNThAo0

“Be Decent People. Be Decent”

By Dan Tester

The title for this blog is lifted from a speech toward the end of the hideous movie The Bonfire of the Vanities. Brian De Palma inexplicably chose to end his adaptation of Tom Wolfe’s edgy novel with a laughable plea of “decency” from Morgan Freeman’s Judge Leonard White, although it is clear that his heartfelt message falls on nothing but the deaf ears of the despicable, corrupt, and immoral folk that populated the film. It was just such a lame “Hollywood” attempt at a happy ending, and in that sense, it was a perfect failure to cap off a perfect failure. I chuckled to myself when this scene unfolded before me, but as I have continued to patronize the local cinemaplex as of late, and the social abuses perpetrated by the “idiot masses” in the audience continues to escalate, I kind of feel a kinship with ol’ Judge Leonard White – screaming to the ignorant about decency. How can you win? We live in an “Idiot Culture”. The content of this blog will doubtlessly appear to consist of “obvious” and “pointless” observations of the movie-going experience, but Goddamn, it just keeps getting worse and worse. Here now are a few key examples of the “Idiot Culture” mentality, and for what it is worth, I will offer some solutions.

1) CHATTY-CATHIES:

Hey you. Yeah, YOU! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I am sure it is the result of the home video age that has brought the level of idiots talking in a movie theater to a fever pitch (I think these culture monkeys are too stupid to realize they are no longer slouching in their living room eating Cheetos and wiping the Cheetos’ residue on their ketchup-stained undershirts – they are in public), but it is time to put a stop to it. I have been known, from time to time, to turn to a chattering idiot behind me and not so subtly ask them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, and it usually works to some degree. I remember my ex-girlfriend would actually get mad at ME for doing that, and she would suggest I try to be a little more diplomatic. Huh? Since when is talking in a movie theater an affront that requires a UN resolution to solve? They are in direct violation of humanity, and must be stopped. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Sure, I put myself in direct danger of retaliation, and for that I just have one request of my fellow audience members. If someone like me has the balls to actually try to shut someone the hell up, please at least have the decency to turn around yourself and add an extra “YEAH!” or clap, or some Goddamn thing. I have been watching you since the opening credits, turning your heads in consternation in the direction of the violator, yet doing nothing, and so I am taking the lead. So a little backup, huh? We must align together to show Mr. Peanut that there is strong solidarity amongst the surrounding troops. Group threats work wonders. Especially against dumbasses.

2) CELL PHONES and PAGERS:

Hey, Mr. Important! Yeah, asshole, YOU. SHUT OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!! God I hate cell phones. I honestly think they are the most damaging and dangerous invention in the new electronic age – especially when you consider the Idiot Culture that co-exists with this age. This is another violation that doesn’t seem to require any “diplomacy” in addressing. It is time for these self-important asshats to taste blood as their ringing cell phones are shoved so far down their throats that even the Kielbasa Queen from “The Howard Stern Show” would gag. And pagers, well pagers seem perfectly designed for easy anal insertion. Or better yet, just grab the pager and beat them to death with it, after firmly securing it to a baseball bat. And if you are a member of Idiot Culture that actually ANSWERS your cell phone during a movie and begins chatting…well, you have to kill yourself. You are not necessary to society. I know suicide can be a daunting endeavor, especially to a hardline member of Idiot Culture, so I will offer you this service: use that cell phone one last time, give me a call and tell me which trailer you live in, and I will promptly pull the van right into your driveway and Kevorkian your ass myself. It is the least I can do. I am an “Idiot Culture” Warrior.

3) BABIES IN R-RATED MOVIES:

Hey Mommy. Yeah, YOU. You have just brought your toddler to see BORAT. You are a bad, bad, bad, bad piece of Idiot Culture parental slime. I know, I know, babysitters are expensive. But you see, you chose to introduce another potatohead into Idiot Culture, and whether you like it or not, along with that disservice comes responsibility and sacrifice. Let me put it another way, you friggin’ idiot. If you can’t afford a babysitter, THEN YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO GO TO THE MOVIES! And what is up with theaters even allowing toddlers into JACKASS: THE MOVIE?? Please, Mommy and Daddy Stupid, corrupt that kid away from the public eye. Please only allow close family members to see what horrible parents you are, because it is distracting in a public place. And please, Mommy. Allow someone to attach a pair of jumper cables to your uterus, and then fire up the engine. It is the only way to truly end Idiot Culture in our lifetime.

4) MIDGETS:

Okay, this one isn’t really fair. It’s just that they distract the hell out of me. Just one midget can ruin my entire movie experience. I just sit there, sweating, trembling in fear that more midget friends will waddle in and form a group, and at some point they will all come back to my seat and start dancing around me, chanting, and poking me with sticks. WILLIE WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY should never be shown to any child under the age of 10. I saw it when I was eight, and thus the result is this very inclusion.

5) FOREIGNERS AND OLD PEOPLE:

God Bless America. It is the only civilized nation in the world where speaking the native tongue is not a required skill to co-exist. If I lived in Germany, and didn’t speak a word of German, I would pretty much be screwed. But in the USA, you are just a beautiful ingredient in the Idiot Culture melting pot I guess. But just one simple request. If you are Chinese, and your grasp of the English language is only slightly better than GW Bush’s, please just stay home and rent a movie. It is so damn easy to do. Please don’t sit behind me at THE GOOD SHEPHERD and constantly ask your boyfriend “What he say? What he say?” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I don’t hate people who can’t speak English. I just hate them in movie theaters. And old people too. If you can’t hear, stay home and crank up the TV, you wrinkled old piece of Idiot Culture. And shut the fuck up, too.

In conclusion, please treat a movie theater as you do your own church. The movie theater is my church, and I implore you to treat it as respectfully as I treat yours. You may say I am stupid, comparing movies to religion, but it works for me. Movies guide me, teach me, give me purpose, and give me enlightenment. All of the same things that Churchies pretend religion does for them. Sure, I guess my religion sometimes depicts graphic sex, dangerous car chases, violent explosions, mutilations, and Tony Danza. But come on. Others choose to find enlightenment in tax-exempt cults featuring pedophile priests, televangelists who use financial contributions to ho their bitches, and extremists who fly airplanes into buildings. So both of our concepts of religion are fairly equally bullshit. And I’m not even going to mention Scientology, because that is just like picking on a retarded kid on the playground. There is no joy in that. Those poor, brainwashed douchebags.

So, in a plea for unity, I suggest that we combine our religious philosophies into one Great One, and slowly but surely chip away at Idiot Culture until there is only one idiot left, and then we can beat him severely. So as the lights go down in the movie theater this weekend, I propose that we all stand as one, with hands on hearts, and recite together the new words of Glory in our beautiful new Church of Mass-Marketed Enlightenment. Everyone together, now…

“In the Name of the Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”

Dead Celebrity Blog - Part One

By Dan Tester

In an unprecedented scientific experiment, we here at CINEMASPEAK.COM are proud to announce that CINEMASPEAK.COM is, today, launching an innovative and futuristic feature to the blogosphere. With the combined participation of the FCC, NASA, the NAACP, the ASPCA, TCBY Yogurt, and the YMCA, and most importantly in participation with world-famous “chatting with dead celebrities” psychic Sylvia Browne, CINEMASPEAK.COM is introducing a series of blogs from deceased celebrities, to try to get a feeling of the afterlife in four key categories: their thoughts, their experiences, their opinions, and their thoughts.

On this day, CINEMASPEAK.COM is proud to introduce Part One of, hopefully, a long list of deceased celebrities contributing their thoughts, experiences, opinions, and thoughts of cinema excellence, from the aspect of a deceased dead person. As a side note, we cannot predict, or direct, what the dead celebrities will discuss. Due to the great expense of this process, editing would not even be a possible, but we can only hope that the dead celebrities will follow the stated topical guidelines of the webmaster, as would a loyal “living” contributor to the site. We can only hope…and do hope…that they will only discuss movies. But they may not.

First, the legal matters:

LEGAL NOTICES: CINEMASPEAK.COM is not responsible for any of the content provided by dead celebrities. CINEMASPEAK.COM cannot, and will not, be held liable for any asinine or shameful displays of cinema ignorance proffered by dead celebrities (please see the “KIM JUSTICE RULE” in the official Cinemaspeak handbook for the full details).

And now, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen…CINEMASPEAK.COM, the FCC, NASA, the NAACP, the ASPCA, TCBY Yogurt, and the YMCA….are proud to present to you…dead from the Great Beyond….Old Ski Nose himself…the one…the only…the Mister…..BOB HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!….

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

Hello, Hollywood phonies. This is Bob “From The Great Beyond” Hope. Even though I’m just a rotting corpse, I still watch FOX NEWS for all the headlines, so I am up to date. Isn’t that sumthin’, boy?

Hey, how about that James Cameron? Isn’t he sumthin’? First he sank an indestructible ship, and now he is taking on Christianity. Isn’t that wild? Ooh Boy, I gotta tell ya. That’s wild. Jesus’ Lost Tomb? This whole thing reminds me of that movie THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST from a few years back. Did you see that one? That was really sumthin’. That Mary Magdelene was sure sumthin’. Rawwwwwrrrhhhh. I gotta tell ya, you gotta hand it to Jesus. At my age, I don’t even think about sex when I’m havin’ a good day, let alone bein’ crucified. But that James Cameron documentary sure caused a stir. I’ll tell ya, boy, I haven’t seen the news channels so focused on false prophets since that whole Enron thing.

Hey, how about that Enron, wasn’t that sumthin’? Zsa Zsa Gabor told me that one day there was a rolling blackout in her neighborhood and she called the fuzz, but luckily it was just Nipsey Russell trippin’ over her front hedge and fallin’ down a hill. I gotta tell ya, that was pretty wild. That Nipsey was a genius, boy. He could rhyme anything.

But to get serious here for a moment, buy War Bonds.

So how about that Ann Coulter? She sure has a mouth on her, boy. I haven’t heard such vile language coming out of a chick’s mouth since my wife Dolores caught me bangin’ Dorothy Lamour on the set of “Road To Zanzibar.” Boy, that was sure sumthin’ wasn’t it?

But for an anorexic dyke, Ann Coulter sure does like to spout out the hatred, boy. Hey, I know John Edwards is married to a chubby gal, but that don’t mean he is gay, boy. I know lots of chubby chasers who are straight. It’s wild. I gotta tell ya though, one time, in 1972, I called Charles Nelson Reilly a faggot, but he just smiled and made that ‘Younggg Younggg Younggg” sound while tuggin’ at his collar. Times have sure changed, boy. I gotta tell ya, there was nuthin’ wrong with it back then. It was just havin’ fun. Isn’t that wild? Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!

Hey, how about that President Bush? Isn’t he wild? I haven’t seen a President this smart since Corky ran for President of his high school on “Life Goes On.” That was sure sumthin’. And Cheney too, nutty, nutty stuff. You know what they say about Cheney. “He’s a heartbeat away…from a heartbeat.” Now they say he has a blood clot in his leg. I have a feeling Scooter Libby was just told to report that to the press so those boys can get Rudy Giuliani on the ticket but fast, boy. I gotta tell ya, that’s sumthin’, boy. But that White House, that’s really sumthin’, isn’t it? I always said that if you have a Dick and a Bush too close together for too long, somethin’ is gonna get fucked. I had just never realized until the 2000 election how much the United States looks like a big, deformed vagina when you turn your atlas sideways. Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!

Hey boy, I was just told that I am supposed to recommend a movie to you all. I would go with CLERKS 2, by a nice fella called Kevin Smith. I gotta tell ya, it is a great movie. There’s some good stuff in that movie, boy. But there’s a scene where a man has sex with a donkey. Back in my day, there was nuthin’ wrong with that. It was just havin’ fun, boy. But a lot of people up here in the Great Beyond were offended. I hear that movie critic Joel Siegel was offended. Joel Siegel? Does anyone pay attention to what this mustachioed nut has to say about anything, anyway? I gotta tell ya, that would be pretty wild if it were true. I also saw another movie recently. It was called BACHELOR PARTY. That was some wild stuff, boy. It starred Hollywood’s Tom Hanks, and also featured a scene with suggested bestiality. I think the director of CLERKS 2 was just making a point, boy. Bestiality is bestiality. Suggested or depicted, it is just deplorable. But Hollywood’s Tom Hanks got off scott free. I gotta tell ya, people love that Tom Hanks, boy. But CLERKS 2 caused a douche like Joel Siegel to go running and screaming from the theater, boy. At least I think that was Joel Siegel. It might have been Gene Shalit. My eyesight is goin’, boy. I can always make out a mustache though. On a side note, up here in the Great Beyond, the only movie review show on TV features Joel Siegel and Byron Allen discussing the movies of the day. I might be in Hell, boy. Kids, I gotta tell ya, don’t do drugs.

Well, I think it’s about time for me to travel back to the Great Beyond, boy. Anna Nicole Smith just recently arrived up here, and she sure is gettin’ down to business quick. Let’s just say her trousers are nothing more than ankle warmers. Ooooooooohweeeeeeee! She likes old, wrinkled millionaires, boy. And up here in the Great Beyond, I only have five criteria for the trash I will schtupa: dumb, blonde, drugged up, big-tittied and dead. Should be a fun Lent! Rawwwwwwwr.

Well, this is Bob “Gettin’ Me Some Tush” Hope sayin’ “Be Good To Your Family, They’ve Been Good To You!” Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

CINEMASPEAK.COM thanks you for participating in this groundbreaking experiment. And now, a few critical reviews…

“If you only read one blog all year, read Tester!” Larry King, CNN

“If blogging was an art form, Tester would be considered an artist among the likes of Da Vinci, Goya, Picasso, and that really angry guy that just threw paint brushes at a canvas!” Deborah Norville, INSIDE EDITION

“Cheese Nips are good, but if you add your own extra cheese to ‘em, I like ‘em even more!” President George W. Bush, THE CRAWFORD TIMES

“I love Dan Tester. He will make a fine 3rd Husband!” Titty McJesusFreak, HARPO PRODUCTIONS

“I am a douche, and I thank Mr. Tester for pointing that out. This is surely the feel good blog of the year.” Joel Siegel, WHOEVER WILL PAY MY MUSTACHE

Hollywood Magic

By Dan Tester

I recently saw IDIOCRACY, the new film (on DVD) from Mike Judge. I liked it, but was kind of disappointed at the same time. It certainly wasn’t the balls out satire that OFFICE SPACE was. IDIOCRACY kind of died during it’s deadly final third. What was that all about? Yeah, I get it. White Trash. Smash stuff up. But let’s end this thing on some sort of creatively inspirational note, why not? But it didn’t. Well, it kinda did, but not as much as OFFICE SPACE did. I still liked it though. Particularly the message…White Trash, Red State, Bush Loving morons, with a dash of unprotected sex, are going to lead to the end of civilization. You know what I am talking about. The kind of morons that would rather sit amongst a toothless legion and watch the Daytona 500 than actually figure out how to determine percentages. The first quarter of IDIOCRACY was particularly brilliant. The middle three quarters, fine stuff. The fourth third was a little lacking. But that final half…well, I think I covered that already.

What has two teeth and 100,000 legs? The crowd at the Daytona 500. (To be fair, my client Scooter Libby told me that one during recess).

FILM NOTE: (SPOILER ALERT- For dumbasses that read reviews before they actually see the movie, and then whine about learning things about the movie before they saw it, you have been warned). One of the funniest things I have seen in a movie in quite some time came during IDIOCRACY. To preface, we get the whole exposition of the white General explaining the sleep deprivation experiment to the military brass. We learn that this General has met a pimp, who has had some sort of life reevaluating effect on the General. The scene plays out with the slide show (funny in itself), but then later….we see our two protagonists preparing for the deep sleep, getting to know each other, and then suddenly that same white General enters the laboratory and says…”What’s up, my niggahs?” I swear, I almost fell off the sofa laughing.

It is interesting, because I waited to see IDIOCRACY until I moved into my new apartment, about a week ago or so. It was going to be a christening of sorts…enjoying a quality film on the first night of solitude. I watched it, and then went to bed. The next day, I was televisickly informed that Anna Nicole Smith was dead.

IDIOCRACY…Anna Nicole Smith dead. It just struck me as an interesting first post on the newest incarnation of the Cinemaspeak website, to discuss the parallels. IDIOCRACY is about dumb human beings. Anna Nicole Smith was a dumb human being, and it has become apparent that millions of dumb human beings actually care about the post-breath-sucking situation of a dumb human being. FOX NEWS has made a 24-hour telethon of this stuff. Is there still a war going on in Iraq, FOX NEWS? Anna Nicole couldn’t have died at a better time for Sean Hannity.

Did anyone watch that trial on TV? Dan Hedaya made a hell of a judge, but not even David Kelley would have allowed Shelley Berman to spout that much crap on BOSTON LEGAL. I have a feeling judgie-poo is angling for his own TV show. It was apparent that not only were the defendants and plaintiffs IDIOCRACY material, but so was the friggin’ judicial system. As a side note, I loved the whole damn thing. It was fine, fine TV. The only way it could have been improved would have been if William Hung had staggered into the courtroom and sang “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” right before Judge Dan Hedaya read his verdict.

But anyway, I let that one go, because it would probably be considered inappropriate. Speaking ill of the dead is not accepted by the American masses, so please, disregard anything I said above. Just start reading right here.

I was thinking about resurrecting the CINEMASPEAK prediction board for the Oscars, which I think is going to be another shameful display where horrible things will happen…like Scorsese finally winning for an average display like THE DEPARTED. If this is the case, they should have just given him the Oscar for BRINGING OUT THE DEAD years ago, and let Paul Greengrass win this year. Was Greengrass even nominated? That movie was amazing. Too amazing for the Oscars, anyway. I have no idea who is nominated this year. I have turned my back completely on Hollywood bullshit. After Scorsese lost for THE AVIATOR a few years ago, I turned to my friends and said “There is no way Scorsese will ever lose if he is ever nominated again. Scorsese could direct a 4-hour epic that simply depicted Robert De Niro sitting on a toilet, occasionally farting, occasionally pooping, all the time alternating between reading scripture and singing Jerry Reed songs, and Scorsese would be a lock for his Oscar.” It will come true this Sunday, for a piece of average poop like THE DEPARTED. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

I am rooting for Jackie Earle Haley for Best Supporting Actor. When I was writing nonsense on the old Cinemaspeak message boards, I used to write “KING’S THINGS”, which was a column written by Larry King with thoughts “off the top of his head” like he used to do in USA TODAY back in the 80s, but this time as if Larry King had lost his mind (oh, he hasn’t? Could’ve fooled me. - Warren). I remember Larry asking “Whatever happened to Jackie Earle Haley? He is long overdue for a big hit!!” I am glad to hear crazy Larry King was right. If I were in the audience come this Sunday, and they were announcing the nominees for Best Supporting Actor, and they read the name of Jackie Earle Haley, I would stand up and start chanting “Let Him Play! Let Him Play! Let Him Play!’ Then, when Norbit won, he would go up and dedicate the award to Mr. Jackie Earle Haley, just like Ving Rhames dedicated his award to Jack Lemmon a number of years ago. That truly was Hollywood magic. I wonder if Jack Lemmon ever got that award from Ving though. I have a feeling Jack’s dedicated trophy is probably a doorstop in the Rhames household. But it was still Hollywood magic. How dare you say otherwise.

So for Sunday, go Paul Greengrass!! It really is the only award I am truly rooting for that night. It is a shame that this is one of the few nominations that UNITED 93 got. Did you ever see BLOODY SUNDAY, another film by Paul Greengrass? I would highly recommend that, as well. He probably should have won Best Director for that, too. I can’t remember what undeserving jerk won that year, though. Oh yeah, I just remembered…it was Opie for A BEAUTIFUL MIND. That was the same year Denzel won Best Actor for TRAINING DAY. That might have been the worst year for Oscar ever. But God bless. It’s called “Hollywood magic,” you cynical bastards.

Well, gotta go submit my DNA for the “Anna Nicole Baby Lottery.” I have to admit, I could use the cash. Much more than Zsa Zsa’s husband, anyway. But I am rooting for Jimmie “Kid Dyn-no-mite” Walker to be the father. Yeah, I know, he has not yet emerged as a contender, but I can dream, can’t I?

Hollywood magic.